Page 26 - Issue 05 2nd edition
P. 26
Isolation is a killer of creativity and well- and yet when my own relationship with
being, and yet when we are in pain we my daughter broke down I remember
often want to retreat. Our brain defaults feeling like I must be the only relationship
into survival mode and so we will usually coach that cannot sort out her own
respond with fight, flight, or freeze. relationships. I made the mistake so many
people make and I excluded myself from
If we are feeling vulnerable we might be support and only spoke to my husband.
less patient, intolerant, and easily irritated That was until I reached the breaking
(the fight response) by what at the times point—as I sobbed on the bedroom floor I
seems to be the insensitivity of others. said, “How come I can help all those other
Logically we might know they mean well women but I can’t help myself?” He said,
and that we may be “overreacting,” but “What would you tell your clients to do?”
that doesn’t make it any easier.
In that moment I realised I had kept all
We might also know that we are not in a the support internal at home and had not
good place, so we might retreat to the got any external help from people who
comfort of our own space (the flight were not directly involved.
response) because there we can control
what we hear and see, and therefore our When we feel isolated there are two kinds
response. of support I believe truly help:
The problem with these strategies is that Tribe – When we talk to others that have
as humans we are designed to be had a similar experience, they can share
connected, and how we make how they feel now and how things
connections, learn, and effectively make changed over time and what worked for
decisions is a result of our internal them. If you are with a large enough tribe
thoughts and external stimuli. So or group you will get to talk to people who
retreating to gather our thoughts and are at various stages of the process—from
consider what we think about something those feeling just like you to those that
is great when it is part of a process, but have found solutions and strategies. When
becomes debilitating when we get stuck in we are with people who empathise, they
that space, unable to move back out into can make us feel normal as they talk
the “real” world with people who won’t about their feelings and experiences, and
think before they speak and who simply we recognise we are not alone and our
do not and cannot understand what is experience is similar in many ways.
happening to us.
That sense of being the same can
It fascinates me even now how we can instantly makes us feel better. That sense
become so convinced it is just us. That it of “it’s not just me” can take huge
is only us that are handling it this way. I amounts of pressure off and shift you
was a mums-and-daughters relationship from fight, flight, or freeze into calm and
coach and I had helped 50 or more mums clarity. The solutions shared can give you
and daughters have better relationships,
26 The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Sept/Oct 2018 Issue #05
