Page 14 - CNBC Mag Free Issue Edition 6

One of the ways that we can find out feet GREEN LIGHT – moving on
again at social events with parents and/or
children is to build up our confidence by If you’re at the “green light” stage of
meeting other childless women in person recovering from childlessness, you’ve
through meetups. You might find, as found the support you need to do some of
many of us do, that this feels really scary your grief work and are beginning to
the first time, and I’ve heard of women experience more good days than bad. You
bolting out of the coffee bar before can still be knocked off your feet by a
they’ve fully made it through the door. griefy moment (or day) but have
developed a support network to reach out
One of the reasons for this is the negative to and self-care strategies that work to
social conditioning we’ve all absorbed get you through tough times. You may
about what childless women are like, find that although you’re interested in
which we then project onto those “other” having a social life again, sometimes
childless you’re
women we As we come out of the intensity of grief, our frustrated by
haven’t met interest in the world returns and it’s natural the
yet. One shallowness of
woman to want to reconnect with our old life. But small talk and
confided in me we are changed, and there is no “normal” maybe even
after to go back to for many of us. feel that
attending a perhaps
talk I gave a you’ve
few years ago, that she’d expected the ‘outgrown’ some of your old friends.
room to be full of “weeping weirdos” and
was very pleasantly surprised! As we come out of the intensity of grief,
our interest in the world returns and it’s
“Bracketing” social events is a technique natural to want to reconnect with our old
that can really help you to manage your life. But we are changed, and there is no
anxiety. Try scheduling something before “normal” to go back to for many of us.
and after an event that is specifically This is a time of profound readjustment as
designed to help you cope. So, for we try out what works for us socially and
example, you might have an agreed call what doesn’t. We may find that a lot of
booked with an empathetic childless friend behaviour that we used to tolerate from
one hour before the event, and perhaps people just isn’t OK with us anymore and
coffee (or something stronger!) with it’s natural for friendships and
another childless buddy straight after. It’s relationships to change or end.
always good to have an exit time and
usually a good idea to leave early—even if Grief has profoundly reshaped our
you need to have a slightly made-up identity, and going forward we’ll need
reason to do so, such as another people who “fit” with that new identity. It
appointment that couldn’t be changed. may, or may not, be our “old” circle…
However, there’s no need to ditch those
It will take a while to build up your old friends yet—what might work better
resilience at social events (especially perhaps is to dilute the time you spend
family-related ones), so don’t overtax with them by spending extra time with
yourself whilst in the amber stage. Some your childless peers. As you fully embrace
will go better than others and over time your childless identity and are no longer
you’ll work out more coping strategies. triggered by the sometimes clueless
One disastrous event which sees you remarks of your old friends, you may find
hiding out weeping in the bathroom that you can forgive them their clumsiness
doesn’t mean that they’ll all be like that… and see the love and care that motivates
their often hapless behaviour.

14 The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Launch Issue