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One of the many weird and unexpected childlessness. And hopefully, that might
things about embracing our Plan B is that, make it less likely that they’ll drop that
believe it or not, it can make those that same shame bomb again another day.
we once envied envy us in return! It took
me a long time to understand that the The experience of recovering from
opportunities that my unchosen freedom childlessness is a profound, life-altering,
brought me—for further study, for travel, soul-shaping one; it changes us forever.
for the precariousness of being a writer Realising this can help us understand why
and entrepreneur—were things that some social events just aren’t straightforward
parents felt they couldn’t risk. They saw for us anymore. Really, honestly, it isn’t
me as someone who was taking a second just you who’s having a hard time with
hungry bite at life and they were envious. this. The impact on our friendships and
relationships is yet another area of life
So, I learned not to talk too much about that is impacted by our childlessness and
what I was up to—not because they often one that many of us didn’t see
weren’t interested but because it actually coming.
sounded too interesting! Once again,
having childless friends who understood I thought that
the incredibly high price I’d paid for this perhaps I was
freedom, and how hard I’d worked to just really rubbish
embrace it (I hated my “freedom” for a at friendships,
long time) was, and remains, vital. and so I found it
a great comfort
Recovering from childlessness isn’t just when I began to
about learning to carry the loss of the meet other
children we longed for in our hearts—it’s childless women
also about recovering from shame. As I and learned that
came to understand that as a childless it was something
woman I had done nothing wrong, and we were all going through. Childlessness
that there was nothing wrong with me, I broke my heart, but grief healed it bigger.
began to find it a lot easier to interact And I think I’m actually a better person,
socially. Because these days, if someone and a better friend, for the experience. It
tries to shame with a pointed remark like, does get easier in time, when we’re
“Oh, childless women are so selfish,” further along with our grief—promise.
rather than look like I’ve been slapped
and then run away, I’m more likely to say, Note from the editor:
“So, you’ve never met a selfish parent
then?” The way I see it, because I’m no Jody has some wonderful resources
longer ashamed of my childlessness, that elaborate on many points in her
there’s nowhere for the shame they’re article. Gateway Women’s on-line
trying to put on me to stick. And because community is one of the safest
I’m not triggered into shame (which shuts available because the identity of each
us down), I’m also able to remain open member is personally checked. Here
and curious about their point of view. are the all-important links:
The conditioning of pronatalism (this www.gateway-women.com
comment is a classic example) usually www.gateway-women.com/book
unravels with the slightest application of www.gateway-women.com/community
logic; exploring that in a non-defensive www.gateway-women.com/meetup
way can lead to some really interesting www.gateway-women.com/calendar
and meaningful discussions that have the www.gateway-women.com/grief-work
potential to change the way others view www.bit.ly/jodytedtalk
The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Launch Issue 15
