Page 13 - CNBC Mag Free Issue Edition 6

you that is in deep shock and grief about events for a while, no matter how much
your childlessness and you may not really you’d like to.
believe that you’re ever going to be OK
with it… At this stage, even being out of Sadly, some people still won’t get it and
the house can be a major achievement, it’s not your job to make them understand
and attending social events may be if they don’t want to. I love a phrase of
mission impossible… Brene Brown’s on this one, “Don’t try to
win over the haters: you are not a jackass
First of all, I think you really need to give whisperer.” Sometimes you just need to
yourself permission not to attend do your best and then let it be. The world
whatever events you (or anyone else) will still be there tomorrow even if you
really thinks you “should” go to. We often don’t go to whatever event it is.
tie ourselves in knots worrying what
others will think if we don’t go to Join an online community so that you can
something, when the fact is that people spend time virtually with others who get
don’t think about us nearly as much as we how painful the grief of childlessness can
imagine! Grief is a horribly misunderstood be, and who won’t try to tell you, “It can’t
emotion and be grief
most of us don’t Grief is a horribly misunderstood emotion because you
give ourselves haven’t really
as much and most of us don’t give ourselves as lost anything,”
permission as much permission as we need to take care or judge you for
we need to take the envy or
care of of ourselves when we’re having a rough anger you
ourselves when day, week, month or year… might be feeling
we’re having a sometimes
rough day, towards those
week, month or year… with children when we feel like they’re
rubbing our face in their good fortune.
Grief isn’t an illness and it isn’t a Grief can make us feel like we’ve gone a
weakness—it’s the wise and powerful little crazy, so it’s such a relief to connect
emotional and psychological process that with others who can normalise our
enables us to come to terms with experience for us, and even share a laugh
devastating loss. Learning that what I was about it!
experiencing was grief probably saved my
life (and I don’t say that lightly) so I really AMBER LIGHT – early recovery
recommend that you take the time to
learn more about your grief and how to If you’re in the “amber light” stage of
support yourself as you move through this recovering from childlessness, you may
extraordinarily profound and difficult begin to experience some days when
healing process. things feel more manageable, but others
when you despair of ever finding your feet
There is a chance that some people may again. You may want to attend social
get offended by your absence at their events again and be included in things,
events, which is often one of the reasons especially if you’re coming out of a period
why we force ourselves to go. If this of reclusion, but you can still find them
seems like it’s likely to happen, it’s often very hard and often don’t see the triggers
because people don’t know what’s going coming or feel you have a thick enough
on—they aren’t mind readers. If it’s an skin to cope with the daft “helpful”
intimate friend or family member, you comments people make… You may find
may find it easiest to write them a note that you look forward to an event, but
saying how sorry you are that you don’t then as it gets closer, you feel panicked
feel able to attend but that you are and can’t face it. This is all normal.
grieving and simply can’t “do” social

The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Launch Issue 13