Page 36 - Issue 05 2nd edition

huge amount of stress. One day we went What other techniques are there that can
out for a lunch with “L” to give her a help you reduce anxiety, high blood
break from the house. pressure, insomnia, and stress?

For three hours she complained about her If someone within your CNBC community
husband and how he was being mentions that they are feeling better, ask
unsupportive. He kept on doing the them what has helped them.
hoover and ironing the clothes when she
needed him to walk the dogs and go food Whilst everyone is different which means
shopping. that they process grief in different ways
they may be using a technique that would
The next day we spent time with “M”. He also help you. There is not harm in asking
was exhausted because he was doing all and there is no harm in trying something
the housework to take some of the different: until you use a technique you
pressure off “L”. He was feeling frustrated won’t know if it will help you or not.
because no matter how hard he worked to
support her it was never You need to set Above all be proactive in your
enough. healing rather than reactive or
boundaries for passive.
The reason for this is obvious: your family and
they hadn’t talked to each Step 6: set boundaries
other. Yet when you are the friends so that
midst of it, this basic act gets they know what is This works both ways. You
forgotten. acceptable and need to set boundaries for
your family and friends so
If you do realise that someone what is not. that they know what is
wants to be supportive yet is However, you also acceptable and what is not.
getting it slightly wrong if can need to set However, you also need to set
be hard to say anything boundaries for yourself too. I
because you don’t want to boundaries for think one of the best
offend. It should be possible yourself too. boundaries is what I call “The
to find a way of giving them Circle of Support”. It is easiest
guidance without is being a to explain using a serious
criticism. illness as an example.

For example, you could say “You are so This circle sets the boundaries about who
kind to keep bring me so much food, but gives you support as you support
actually what I’d really like is for someone someone who is seriously ill. Once you
to take out the rubbish on “bin day”. Is understand the concept it is easy to apply
that something that you could do for me? to different situation.

Step 5: look for the lessons Imagine that the Circle of Support is like a
pebble that has been dropped into calm
Healing is hard work. It doesn’t happen by water. When the pebble breaks through
osmosis and it doesn’t happen overnight. the surface it creates a ripple (a ring).
We have to do the “grief work”. Those rings get larger that further they
are from the pebble.
Yet was does that mean?
Now imagine that the pebble is the
What techniques are there to help you patient, and the concentric circles are
process you pain? their family, friends and other sources of
support. The people who are closest to the
patient are those in the smallest circle,
closest to the pebble.

36 The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Sept/Oct 2018 Issue #05