Page 11 - Issue 05 2nd edition

around what would have been, I also need relished a few days of easeful
to be around what is emerging and conversation, indulging in time with fellow
(heaven forbid!) revel in the reciprocity of humans where we actually didn’t have to
having that reflected back to me every explain, justify, or advocate for our
now and then. normal.

“Certainly, some Iroquois In spite of all this, there is
warriors must have been Witnessing pieces of still an “in-person” void in
traumatized by the warfare ourselves being my life of people who get it,
they were engaged in—much reflected back to us and I know I’m not the only
of it was conducted at close is affirming. It is also one. The local in-person
quarters with clubs and tribe issue is one, in all
hatchets—but they didn’t the antithesis of honesty, I have yet to
have to contain the trauma alienation and sleuth.
within themselves. The isolation. And as
entire society was humans we are not Early on when associating
undergoing wartime trauma, online with people from my
so it was a collective designed to process tribe, it was hard some days
experience—and therefore our pain and for me to acknowledge that
an easier one.” —Sebastian transformation alone. this was actually my life. The
Junger, Tribe: On presence of grief and the
Homecoming and damage of lost relationships
Belonging (including my small infertility support
group where I ended up being the only
Witnessing pieces of ourselves being one not to get pregnant) created a heavy
reflected back to us is affirming. It is also haze through which it was impossible to
the antithesis of alienation and isolation. see what was now important. My
And as humans we are not designed to collapsed identity and more so world view
process our pain and transformation caused me to retreat inward, and
alone. Interactions with understanding rightfully so. Then it was the deluge of
and empathic people have been proven a contending with changed relationships
necessity in the healing process and in that were no longer working within the
carving a path forward. context of my grieving self and my slowly
forming new self and life. And then the
Some other hard evidence that group addition of forming relationships via the
associations might be in our best interest: online community—welcome, but at the
same time something that requires a
“Group cooperation triggers higher levels legitimate degree of piloting in its own
of oxytocin.” right.

“Even lab rats recover more quickly from Only recently, about four years out of
trauma if they are caged with other rats treatments, have I been able to begin to
rather than alone.” explore the possibility of an in-person
tribe. Now that I’m more healed and
“In humans, lack of social support has better skilled at handling parents in daily
been found to be twice as reliable at conversation, I’m committed to looking
predicting PTSD as the severity of the deeper and sensing the involuntarily
trauma itself.” childless people that might be in my midst
—Sebastian Junger, Tribe: On in any given situation.
Homecoming and Belonging
That there are only two small childless-
Two years ago now, a group of six of us not-by-choice groups I could locate online
from the blogosphere—readers, writers in my area is very telling of where we are
and advocates—met up in Vancouver. We socially. It’s not like I live in the north

The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Sept/Oct 2018 Issue #05 11