Page 10 - Issue 05 2nd edition

situations, even while in the midst of which to chew on the broader issues our
healing and in the absence of the intense community is left to grapple with. Most
pain and rage I used to feel. Thus I began notably, having a tribe to talk to has
spending my time accordingly by being extremely widened my threshold for
very mindful and dosing the social events dealing with people who don’t get it,
in which I’ll participate. whether it be changed relationships from
my past or social acquaintances. I have
So where to turn then? This is the part much more confidence fielding shaky
where, if things were different, I’d human interactions than I did before.
probably be putting forth a conveniently Upon reflection, I can’t imagine where I’d
trite “how-to” guide of well-travelled steps be without these people in my life. What
you can take to meet your tribe. But we miss in shared history and in-person
alas—we are not quite there yet, and how experiences we make up for with
we do get “there” as a community is an compassion, understanding, and
important topic to raise in our discussions. validation. Better to be split between two
worlds than to be solely stuck in one
First, we are a tough tribe to locate, not where, at the very best, you have to fight
really possessing any external identifying to be seen and heard.
factors. This is not helped by the fact that,
at least here in the Unites Many of us are also “Survival in grief, even
States, people stopping eventually building a new life
fertility treatments aren’t understandably alongside grief, comes with
funnelled to any kind of a wary—we are the willingness to bear
network. Instead we are coming from places witness, both to yourself and
cannonballed right back out others who find themselves
into life with no support of trauma, grief, inside this life they didn’t see
system to draw from. intense and coming. Together, we create
perpetual social loss, real hope for ourselves, and
Many of us are also as well as the for one another. We need
understandably wary—we each other to survive.” —
are coming from places of unsure and Megan Devine, It’s OK
trauma, grief, intense and internally chaotic That You’re Not OK
perpetual social loss, as well journeys of
as the unsure and internally rebuilding and self- This is so crucial because,
chaotic journeys of rebuilding unless I’ve missed
and self-reidentification. reidentification. something, what we
experience and deal with on
And, as I described above, the reality of a daily basis isn’t all that present in
our social losses can be slow in unfolding. mainstream conversation—grief, self-care,
The initial social annihilation rendered by creativity, self-actualization, finding
involuntary childlessness is something meaning and fulfilment in life when we’ve
that I feel our community can address lost it in one of its most basic and
more often and more directly. assumed forms. Sliding into a diaper-days
reminiscence is undeniably easier than the
That said, thank goodness for the entirety aforementioned subjects—I can at least
of our online community. It has been the give those ladies at the cookout that.
basis for all of my tribal relationships so
far. My handful of Skype and other But needless to say, it is not what we
relationships has been instrumental in my need. I need to be around more than
development. My tribe friends help me people watching their kids screaming a
process my losses and navigate my way Zedd song at the top of their lungs, I need
forward. They have introduced me to to be around my tribe who is missing that
other childless-not-by-choice points of and is on the mighty pilgrimage into what
view, and have provided me a forum in their lives will now become. I can’t only be

10 The Childless Not By Choice Magazine: Sept/Oct 2018 Issue #05