People who have never experienced unresolved infertility or don’t know first hand what it is like to long for a child that you never have, don’t realise that it eventually affects all aspects of our life. There isn’t an element that remains unscathed. A prolonged struggle with being childless not by choice can dim a person’s light that should shine brightly. Every person is different. There are different reasons for their childless state. They might have infertility issues, they may have other medical conditions or they might be childless by circumstance. They have different stresses or investigations, treatments and surgeries depending on those reasons. They deal with the situation differently. What remains the same is the damage that being childless not by choice can do to a person’s motivation, their get-up-and-go, their “je ne sais quoi”. Here are five examples of how being childless not by choice damages your Mojo.
Being childless not by choice damages self-confidence and self-worth
This has been huge one for me at one time or another. There was a time, whilst we were still trying for a baby, when I felt a failure as a woman. My self-worth was a rock bottom: not only had I failed myself I’d also failed to give the man I loved a child that he wanted too. Not that Andrew ever made me feel that way I hasten to add. A change in mind-set to “my body has failed me” helped me to turn these negative emotions around. Something outside my control caused my body to fail and I WILL NOT feel guilty about that.
As for my self-confidence, well that’s still work-in-progress. I might come across as being self-assured. However, sometimes that is an act: my sentiments are honest whilst the confidence with which I share them can be more of an illusion. I was incredibly shy during my teens and twenties so this is not a new experience for me. I think this is one the reasons that I am write this blog and related book because, for the last eight years, writing has been a great source of happiness and gives me a huge sense of achievement.
Being childless not by choice kills the passion for things you used to enjoy
How many of you are struggling to find something outside your desire to have children? From the mumblings on the childless not by choice grapevine I expect quite a few of you. This is totally understandable. Wanting a child that never happens consumes everything. Nothing else matters as, month after month, all of our efforts and dreams are focused on trying to conceive or changing other circumstance which would make having a baby possible. However, as hope begins to fade it leaves a void that is difficult to fill. There is a need to latch onto something and yet nothing else seems as important, even the things you used to love pre-infertility or pre-other circumstances which have stopped your filling your heart’s desire. Yes, a lack of passion (and I’m not talking about sex here) can have a huge negative impact on those learning to accept their childless-not-by-choice status.
Being childless not by choice increases your sense of isolation
Time and time again I hear other people say how isolated they feel because they are childless not by choice. This isolation comes from not feeling understood, lack of support, the distancing of friends who have had children, and the fact that infertility and being childless in general is still quite a taboo subject. Thankfully the internet is helping to reduce that isolation as there are a number of on-line support groups which make a huge amount of difference. Unfortunately support from our nearest and dearest still often falls short of our expectations.
Being childless not by choice causes stress and depression
It’s probably quite obvious why infertility causes stress: we want a child and can’t conceive, which means that the desire to become parents becomes even stronger and yet we still can’t conceive. If the infertility is being investigated or being treated then there are regular consultations, tests, drugs, reviews, procedures, more consultations, more tests and more drugs. No wonder this causes stress. No wonder it causes depression. The constant highs and lows of “maybe this month” and the devastation that it isn’t. Of course, all this stress and depression doesn’t make conceiving any easier because we all know that we “just have to relax and you’ll be pregnant in no time”. As for the stress and depression caused by the other ways people can be childless not by choice I cannot write about that from person experience. However, I can image that the stress and depression can be just as great. (I’ve got a series of blogs about the unsupportive comments made about being childless not by choice which I’ll publish soon)
Being childless not by choice makes us worried about old age and beyond
This is a big worry for many people how are childless not by choice. Who is going to look after me in my old age? Who will visit me when I’m in a nursing home? How will I leave a legacy (in the non-material or financial sense of the word) after I am gone? Who will I leave things to in my Will? This last one is a particular concern in families where items have been handed down to first son/daughter for generations. In addition to these very tangible worries there are the more esoteric or spiritual ones. Being childless not by choice means that we have not been able to fulfil our basic raison d’etre: the biological imperative to reproduce and ensure the continuation of the genes. In addition, the dilemma of how to leave a philanthropic legacy can be a real struggle. This has been a huge issue for me. None of my siblings have had children and both my parents were only children: I am the end of my line. It causes me great sadness that there is no one to pass our family stories onto. The solution for me has been my writing: it is something tangible of me that will remain after I am gone. As my work within the childless not by choice community increases I hope I will also be leaving a legacy there. A legacy due to the positive impact I’ve had on the lives of people within my tribe and the work I have done to help increase awareness in the wide world. If that happens it’s a legacy I can be proud of.
So these are my suggestions. If you have experienced something that I’ve missed, I love to hear from you. In a future post, I’ll be looking at ways in which to reconnect with your Mojo.
